CW: light nsfw

So, with such a title, where to start?

First of all, there are people who will read this and asks themselves why didn’t I told them beforehand?

The answer is simple, it terrorise me, I hate these feelings but at the same time I need to sort them out in order to get better and understand myself.

Let’s begin with the easiest

Asexuality

I’ve found to myself recently about asexuality or simply the fact that I don’t like sex rather recently, I was deep into my thoughts until I felt that in the last few years there has not been a single time where I didn’t regret having sex with someone.

I like the dynamic and the affection related to it
I hate the act by itself.

Is it because it’s making me dysphoric? Maybe.

Since then, my “sex drive” (gosh I hate that word) is dead. Not a living soul anymore.
It died by itself, I didn’t tried to contain it or to kill it myself.
I just feels like my body stopped pretending it was necessary.

You wonder, how strongly is it dead?
It is “Someone is humping on my ass, clearly horny af but I don’t care, it tickles and the one I’m sitting on has funny/cute reactions!” -level.

Yet, still, even while feeling asexual, I still “do” because, even if I don’t like it, there’s something that I love more than this hate.

Even though I don’t like the act by itself, I still “do it” since I love “giving” more than recieving. Why? Because I love seeing my partner.s fullfilled emotionnally so, if it’s a step for reaching this point, fuck it, we roll.

Aromantism, aroflux, yada yada…

So now, on the main and hurtful topic.

I’ve recently been on thoughts again. In fact, it’s been quite a while.
Around where I learnt to dissociate “affection”, the act of expressing your care about someone through skinship and tactile interaction (from hugs to sex), and “romantism”, the act of showing people your love but in a less tactile way (dating, telling you love someone, … )

Since then I remarked that I felt more sine waves (Fourrier would be fucking jealous!)

• one for the affection
• one for romance

The one for affection is not really a sine wave but an constant mid-high (not high enough for sex but enough for craving for hugs, kisses and touches).

The other one is a sine with a hidden variable which does not allows me to estimate for how long I am in a high or a low state.

Are these sines fucked up? Yes, they fucking are! Because it is like how I personally feel them.

So why Aromantism when you’re saying about low?

I say aro because it is quicker to explain, it also is the space where I relate the most about these feelings.

Why the term Aroflux?

From my searches it is what I found which stuck the most with me, a state of general Aromantism but oscillating between romantic and aromantic, which is the closest to what I feel.

Can you give an example?

This one is going to hurt.

I have partner.s, some adorable ones, I know I somewhere feels romance towards them.

But at the same time I don’t.

There is a point where I clearly “loved” them. But it does not stay, it leaves, sometimes for a day, sometimes for a week, maybe for a month? And sometimes, for good.

At these times I try to pretend nothing happened and hold onto what I can, which is affection.

This can also lead to horrible situations: For context, that happened very recently, I was on phone with a dear friend, trying to help me after a sensory overload.

A partner came in and told they loved me.
I obviously said that “I love them too”.
On this point, I’m truly sorry, I felt I was lying. To you and also to myself.
It is horrible and I can’t to anything about it.

Conclusion

I don’t know how to conclude this so I’ll do my best.

It just feels like I know myself better now and am doing my best at making up “workarounds” to ease these kind of pains.

I also discovered that the label of being in a “full-fledged relationship” is a burden for me, I do not like it, I hate this label, it just feel restraining for no reason.
Somehow, it correlates with something I keep saying since 2021, “I’m not in the mental state for a relationship”.
Of course! you dumass! Of course you aren’t you just didn’t have the words to realize how you were feeling!

I’ve been discussing this with my dearest friend and he relates so much to this (pure aro), he has an article here about aromanticism.

On the good side, I now understand people better and worry less about my partners.
On the bad side, I’m a mess and it’s gonna stay like that for a while.

Cover photo by Carolina Heza on Unsplash